Rejected IATF App questions

Tomorrow (Feb 12) at 5pm est, Commissioner Wilson is hosting a Q&A about the new IATF app: https://www.facebook.com/share/18mXm9rQF1/ Throwers were encouraged to send questions to ol' Comish Wilson, and I jumped at the opportunity. Unfortunately, I apparently misunderstood what kind of questions the leaders of the IATF wanted, and Commissioner Wilson sent every single one of those questions back to me (he printed them out and had a raven fly them to my house, which I thought was a pleasant/ominous touch). As these questions wouldn't see the light of day otherwise, I thought I'd clue you, dear reader, into the questions I have for the IATF/about the app.

Dearest Commissioner Wilson, I was wondering if you could answer the following questions about the IATF App/the IATF in general/axe throwing:

• Does the app love me?

• If I lose a match by only a few points, is there a mini-game I could play in the app to give me those extra points? Something like what Royal Match has where you gotta save the king from a kitchen fire by matching shapes and colors?

• I understand the free version will have banner ads. How much will it cost me to personally call out other throwers during tournament weekends using those ads?

• Why didn't you call it the party app? Everyone likes parties.

• You're only offering a single app, but Applebees offers unlimited apps. Care to comment?

• Is it true that the reason the IATF is moving away from the Axescores App is because it's haunted?

  • Follow up: Why didn't you tell us the Axescores app is haunted? That's what I heard. I heard it's totally haunted.

• How often do we need to feed the anthropomorphic digi-axe pet that comes with the IATF app?

• I heard the new IATF app monitors us "passively" while we sleep to harvest our dreams. Care to comment?

• Is there any way I could pay $6.99 a month to have a popup in the app that tells me I'm not wasting my life via axe throwing? Maybe $10.99 a month to send this message to my partner?

• Can you design the app to have a section on my profile page that shows/plays my top 5 favorite songs?

• I assume the app will show my Collins Rating on the profile page. Can it also show my "Hot or Not" rating (and then hide that rating)?

• I've heard the new IATF app definitely isn't haunted. Why does the IATF feel the need to include that as a selling feature?

• Is there any way the IATF app could include a mini soundboard, including only: airhorn noise, sad-trombone noise?

• Why is it that no matter how many times I look at AxeScores, I don't feel complete? Will the new App change that feeling? Will the new app make me feel complete?

• What about we call it "AxeScores: Reloaded" instead of the "IATF App" so we can all wear leather trench coats and those little sunglasses everywhere?