What happens now: where the blog could go.

The Axe Badger has gone from a tiny, little pet project where I satisfy my need to write about everything I'm doing into an internationally-read (cannot believe I'm serious about that) website.

And while I'm still notching a lot of readership/getting recognized when I go places/getting awkward when I go places and get recognized, I realize that I've kinda hit...well...I've kinda hit a slump.

Okay, maybe not a "slump" but a predictability. Interview, sappy post, junk advice post.

Rinse.

Repeat.

I don't have a revenue stream, and I'm pouring money into web hosting and stickers and ephemera for taking pictures and whatever else -- truth is, something's gotta change.

To that end, the good people at The Axe Badger planning committee* met up for our yearly planning meeting to discuss what might happen to the blog now that we've* probably jumped the shark. After a drawn-out discussion, we* came up with a few ideas that might pull us* from the swamp of sameness and move us* toward an expanded, brighter, and profitable Axe Badger future.

Possibility number 1: Cameo

Cameo, the website for personalized celebrity messages, seems like a natural fit. Imagine, for twenty dollars, having me, badger, celebrating your friend's 81. Or shit-talking your axe-throwing enemy. Or saying happy birthday to your doubles partner. We wanted to test this out in proof of concept, which we've done below:

Congrats on your recent win

Well done on your first 81!

You did your taxes good!

Bat Mitzvahs!

Obviously, this didn't make it too terribly far in consideration, as even after The Axe Badger became a household** name, there likely isn't more than three people who would buy a cameo featuring me saying effing anything. But hey, it was a good first stab at solvency.

Possibility number 2: Ghost writing post-tourney thank you posts

I do a lot of writing. In my ideal week, I'm pumping out two posts for this blog, AND I'm a writer in my day job, too. So it's no great stretch to imagine I could sneak in a few more writing jobs.

For a nominal price, I could ghost write those sweet, reflective "thanks for the memories/miss you already" thank you posts people do on Facebook after tourneys. You could worry no longer about having the hassle of expressing your love of community/humblebrag about how you did/veiled threats towards our sport's jackdaws. Naturally, it would take a little bit of work to really make it feel like it came from you, but I feel like I could make it work with just a little bit of information:

Name

Tourney

Overall feeling to convey: HAPPY | THANKFUL | PROUD OF (OTHER) | PROUD OF (SELF)

Include passive-aggressive mention of a single interaction? (Y/N)

Possibility number 3: Professional lane zinger-er

The pressure to be the royal of repartee when watching a match can be immense. Fortunately for you, I watched almost every version of Cyrano de Bergerac in existence, and know how clever a weird looking guy can be for a more attractive-but-tongue-tied human.

The Axe Badger could serve as your own wit-in-a-pinch solution! Naturally, I'd need some lead-time to be at your next event (there's an extra cost if you hire me at an event that we both just happen to be at), but for a minimal fee***, I would be happy to feed you clever one-liners and rejoinders so you're the hit of the tourney! Possible never-miss comments may include:

• Whoopsie doodle, you're throwing a noodle

• [last thing said]? In this economy?

• Bulls are open!

• [Lyrics to any Chappell Roan song]

Possibility number 4: Awkward convo rescue service

The axe throwing community love each other. Frankly, I think it's the thing keeping the sport alive (it certainly isn't axe throwing itself, because axe throwing is dumb as hell), but that doesn't mean we are all exceptional at the art of the conversation.

I think we've all been in the sitch where we don't know how to get out of a weird/awkward/ongoing conversation. Maybe it's just that nobody knows how to end it. Maybe it's that listening to someone talk about a new growth on their feet isn't quite what you signed up for. Maybe it's simply a very drunk fellow trying like hell to convince you Minions II was really a commentary on the Korean War. Whatever the reason, wouldn't it be nice to have a surefire way to get out of those conversations without hurting any feelings?

Worry not. With this service, I'd happily pop in and exfil you from the awkward convo! Here's how it would work:

1. You signal to me (text if you can, or pull on your right ear twice while looking directly at me)

2. I step in and, in my most nasally, stuttering voice, ask you if you'd be up for an interview

3. I say "it'd actually be great if we could do this interview over there, the sound quality/resonance/ley lines are better over there

4. We walk away from the conversation.

5. Once we're out of eyesight, we go our separate ways.

This is more of a pop-up service, compared to the others listed so far, so if I see you doing the signal, I will step in. But so help me, if you don't slip me a cool, crisp Hamilton once I've provided the escape, I will figure out how to get you back into the conversation. Don't test me.

Possibility number 5: Extortion

I have considered having a table at tourneys. I don't really have anything to sell, tho, so it'd be a tricky thing to make any money. Maybe I could do an advice table, or an interview table? Both, when I really get down to thinking about it, feel icky. Plus, of course, the advice would be suspect from the start.

That left me with one real option: extorting other tables at tourneys for money. 1930's mafia style.

Point in fact, I tried to do a dry run of this at Choptober. Two tables misunderstood what I was going for, and I ended up buying stuff from them. H's Axes got an interview out of it. AALOTO's crew laughed at me for a really long time until I walked away. So I don't know how well extortion will work out in the long run.

But hey, no bad ideas. Only bad brains.

Possibility number 6: Start a print publication****

Hear me out: print publication has never been bigger, more trusted, or more solvent. I think I'd be on the cutting edge of entertainment if, instead of doing a boring ol' blog, I invested my life sustaining resources into print media.

Imagine a quarterly newspaper called The Axe Badger Journal featuring, well, just a bunch of blogs with very little visual media and tiny print! You could look like a respectable, educated human while still being a grubby axe thrower.

The true excellence of this possibility comes in distribution: I would absolutely need to hire a plucky band of 9-12 year olds who wear turn-of-the-century clothes and talk like they are from New York in the 30's. You'd be able to buy a paper by simply listening for some pre-pubescent voice shouting "Extree, Extree."

I'd just need to start a gofundme for around $10,000 to get the first run of 200 on the books.

At any rate, there's gotta be something in the junk drawers of my brain that will move The Axe Badger out from the humdrum. If you have any ideas to share, feel free. For now, I'll be in the comma pits trying to mine out some loose em dashes.

*The committee is just me. I coulda brought in Ryodhai and C-man but honestly, why bother them. **I've said "the axe badger" in my own home. ***this would cost like, $500 bucks. Are you kidding me? This would suck for both of us.

****I just wanted to mention the Newsies. Literally that's all.