Today's Axe Thrower Horoscopes

There simply isn't enough prognostication in our sport, and I'm sick of it.

Sure, there are lots of throwers out there who will predict how they'll do against other throwers - maybe even a few who can look into the ether and just know when someone's gonna get their first 81. But, truth be told, we haven't done a very good job of blending visions from beyond into our mortal plane, as far as axe throwing goes.

Until today, dear reader. Until. Today.

So, let's look into the stars and find out what axe throwers can expect from this week, shall we? Join me in the great beyond with this week's axe thrower horoscopes!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries, this week is the final straw. Today's balancing clutch falls on your sixth house of courage and resolve. It's time to stand up to that one thrower (you know who) that just assumes you're going up for clutch on every throw. I mean, we both know you're going to, but it's time to put your foot down and proclaim "I am going up because I WANT TO, not because you expect me to!" This little act of self-reclamation will be a turning point, and you'll finally have the courage to tell that guy at the diner "hey, I really didn't want pickles on that tuna salad sandwich."

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You got it, why not flaunt it? This week's Premier three house is crashing into a rising board change, and we all know what that means: it's time to strut your stuff. Go ahead, indulge a little. Buy those new sneakers just for league nights. Throw out that old Ultimate Frisbee sweatshirt and buy a new AALOTO one. After all, when it comes to matches, you're at least half of the show. Oh, and DO sign up for that marathon league. It's the perfect opportunity to meet someone just as fashion-forward as yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Feeling lost in your throw and don't know quite what's going on? Take advantage of today's grounding black line in your home venue's second house and go back to basics. Not just in your throw - but in remembering what brought you into axe throwing to start with. Forget the stats, forget your rank; remember your joy. You are a shining light in leagues, but sometimes even lights need to shine a light back on themselves. If you're feeling like the problem is with connection and not something in yourself, invite some of your favorite axe-throwing buddies to an awkward, overly-beer'd game of Catan. That should fix you right up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You've been keeping something from yourself, haven't you? A little, nagging thing that you want but, so far, have denied yourself for months. But, you little crabling, the expressive axe cover is rising in the third house of PBR, and that's a time for letting your little wants turn into realized dreams. So don't deny yourself any longer: Taco Bell before league night is the order of the day. Live Mas.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

It's a fact that nobody wants to actually budget for IATC. The planning, the scrimping, the "new axe budget" - ugh. But the feeling you'll get from knowing all your ducks are in a row is unbeatable. Today's stern but loving board-change moon is ascending, and with the same gentle-but-firm determination, you'll be able to figure out exactly how to afford eating for the next month AND getting at least half of the things you want from the maker's market. Tap into the cosmos and set aside time (and money) to make the future a bit more green.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your modest side is one of your finest features, but there's a fine line between modesty and self-deprecation. Virgo, the waxing axe-pun-sticker-moon is shining a spotlight on you, and there's no harm in using that spotlight to highlight what makes you ah-maze-ing. Dare to shit-talk your opponents this week, act nonchalant when you nail the clutch, bring a little more personality to scorekeeping. Don't go so far as to become what we in the astrology profession call "a complete ass," but you've got the microphone, and it's time to take up a bit more space.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You carry the weight of every disappointment on your shoulders, Libra. And while it's not like you to let go of past regrets, maybe it's time to lessen the load just a bit. The pine knot is ascending, giving your fifth house of measure a bit more power than usual. Use it to shake off some of the frustration you've carried for too long. Find someone in your axe venue who seems to love every second of throwing and ask them for advice - or just open up to them about what you've been feeling. Whether they help or not, bringing that burden out into the light will make you feel so much better. OR find the saddest person in your axe venue and just let that level of grump make you feel more confident in yourself. Whichever.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You're not one to jump into new things. Or at least, you're not quick to try something new. But the third-beer moon is shooting up in the sky like a bar tab, and that might just be enough to find yourself breaking out of the expected. Scorpio, it's time for you to spread your wings. Sign up for a random-throw tourney. Take up shovels and knives and doubles. Go all out. You might find a new favorite, or even just an opportunity to re-affirm what you already love. Wait, horoscopes are supposed to talk about romantic shit too, right? Uh...maybe you'll smooch your doubles partner? There we go.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

(Okay, just a break for a second here, dear reader. Holy shit. Oh my gub this is the longest attempt at a bit I've done in a long time and it's crazy how much time it's taking. I spent SO LONG trying to spell Sagittarius correctly. Sweet axe in the sky, why am I doing this?!)

Sagittarius, it's time to dream big. Today's empowering big axe moon is calling you to take up a leadership role in your axe venue. Answer that call: organize a pot luck, make sure the boards are wet before league starts, or be ready with science as soon as it's asked for. This is the moment you've been waiting for - and no, it's not depressing to think any of the above can be considered "leadership." People love food, and they love you. Bring it all together, you difficult-to-spell star sign.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Admit it: you typically play it safe. You figure out what works and stick with it until there's an undeniable reason to change it. Well, that might work most of the time, but with the Premier bleeding into the ninth standard house, it's time to broaden your risk acceptance. Yes, it's time to embrace that new throw you've been playing around with in practice. Throw caution to the wind and just accept that change doesn't always happen when it needs to happen. Be reckless. Throw with abandon. Trust the process of doing something new and discover the new world that will surround you.

Author's note: I'm not responsible if you actually do this. It's the stars you have to blame.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

[[Just that song. You know the one]]

Big decisions are before you, Aquarius. Divest or invest? Cash in or cash out? With the Flying Fox ascending, it's time for you to make a decision: yes, you should join yet another league. Sure, it's miles away from where you usually throw, but the change will be great for you (the 3rd house of your gas mileage says so, at least), and the new venue will open up new experiences and challenges. Summer is almost here, and nothing celebrates the season quite like overloading yourself with set-in-stone scheduling.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You fiddle-faddled for long enough, Pisces. Pee or get off the pot, as a gruff but loveable Appalachian grand-dad would say. The axe bag is waning into the second clutch-axe house, so you'd better just accept the truth and stop waffling around. Now is the time for decisive action! Next time you're at league, get everyone's attention and say with your whole chest what you know to be true: you're a chalk user, now, and you're not ashamed of it.